I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
