we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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