tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Buhtt sex?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
