she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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