I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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