That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
