Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
