so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize