I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
