Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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