i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
