I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
4 words: hood of his car
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
