You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
