Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
