ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
