he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
