I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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