I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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