My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize