We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who died my cat blue again?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
