haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
