I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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