Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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