No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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