you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
