Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
