Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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