i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
