Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
True but thats because hes a fetus.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
