I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
