Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
