the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
