She announced her abortion via fbk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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