Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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