What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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