I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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