did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
