I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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