he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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