happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize