dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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