Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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