you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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