Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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