I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize