I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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