He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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