ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Alive.
So much puke
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
do nipples grow back?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
