based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize