she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
