By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Randomize
