I am puke
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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