You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
