did you get engaged???
look no pants
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
