so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
