I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
