Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
