Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
