OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
