Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
