Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
