We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
