I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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