Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
