Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize