The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
