Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
