I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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