I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize