Only a mothe r could love this liver
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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