I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
