Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The beer is more important than you right now.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
