Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
